When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
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Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
listen closely
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
🤣🤣🤣
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Mornin
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?