That took me a moment.
You Might Also Like
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?