mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
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paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
this is literally a CIA plant
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments