When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
no such thing as a dumb question
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off