When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
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friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera