When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
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Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
the greatest twitter interaction
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
describing stardew valley
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Camping tip: No.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*