When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
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Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light