Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
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Our lord and savoury.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Denise please return my vape pen
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you