When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
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My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.