[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
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Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.