[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
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I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
not seeing the problem
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?