When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
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Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I hate my earbuds.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I think this should do it.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I cannot stop laughing at this
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.