When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
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Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on