@CantWaitToNap: When a cop tells you to "spread 'em" he is not flirting. I know this now.
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@OneThirstyNaut: Interviewer: Where did you receive your education? Me: Yale Interviewer: Wow! When did you graduate? Me: I yust got out in Yuly
@abbycohenwl: [Buzzfeed for Cats] 6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM -Vacuum cleaner -Walls -The floor -Air -Yourself -Nothing. Nothing at all
@abbycohenwl: Banker: You're sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works? Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
@Fred_Delicious: Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon