When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
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(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you