*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
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Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Bond. Trauma bond.