What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
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It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Overindulged this afternoon.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*