@dafloydsta: When a coworker says "This is all Greek to me", I always assume they want me to punch them right in their throatopolis.
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@jilleb163: My "I'm enraged!" status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don't read well.
@Home_Halfway: "My wife and I decided we don't want to have kids." "But...don't you already have 2?" "Yeah."
@13spencer: At this point, I think the people on "The Walking Dead" are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
@CornOnTheGoblin: "You promise you didn't get me bees again" [me from a distance] just open it