@dafloydsta: When a coworker says "This is all Greek to me", I always assume they want me to punch them right in their throatopolis.
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@ValeeGrrl: 6yo lured girls to our beach umbrella by shaking a bag of Cheetos at them & it worked so guys, feel free to steal his fool-proof method.
@NewDadNotes: CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk Me: I’ll never talk CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook] [two hours later] Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know? CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
@weinerdog4life: The first thing you'll need if you're planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof