When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
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If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…