When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
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We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower