its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
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Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”