@JonasPolsky: When a dog's stomach starts growling, it's either hungry, or pregnant.
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@ReeseButCallMeV: OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
@mishakey: How come when my kid wants to show me something, she has to place it directly inside my cornea?
@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play? Pregnant wife: No, honey. She's not ready yet. 3-year-old: Wife: 3-year-old: Babies are lazy.