@JonasPolsky: When a dog's stomach starts growling, it's either hungry, or pregnant.
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@TheTweetOfGod: I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
@david8hughes: "Was he better than me?" "Joe, don't." "I have a right to know!" "No, he wasn't better than you." [god appears] "Mary, what the hell?"
@CoolCamel69: *pulls home cooked meal out of oven* *family awkwardly stares at me* Yup, this is definitely not my house.