[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
You Might Also Like
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I am HOWLING at this
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*