I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
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Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.