@TheBoghdady: "When a girl says 'Awww Thanks!', it means she's politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from."
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@SequelsWeWant: Freaky Friday 2: The mom and daughter switch bodies again The mom doesn't go back She keeps stealing children's bodies She lives forever
@One_FineMess: Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
@cat_beltane: "so what did you do before self-driving cars?" "we just drove 'em ourselves!" "wow, no one died that way?" "oh no, millions of people died"
@shadygrenade: License and registration please. "Bears." Excuse me? "Beaaaaars." Are you drunk sir? "BEAAAARS!" Stop saying bea- *cop is mauled by bears*