Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
You Might Also Like
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I’m literally crying
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Running from your problems is cardio .
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?