When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
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Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
They got Raph!
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”