When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
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People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
when you don’t want to be too vague
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.