I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
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I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
You learn something every day
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Every haunted house movie:
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.