A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
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My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.