When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
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ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
no such thing as a dumb question
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.