When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
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a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby