When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
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Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
What’s a Messi?
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.