When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
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I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
The Struggle
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack