When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
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Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Finally!
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there