Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
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I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
who wants to go expliring
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Guilty! 🤪
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean