My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
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being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking