I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
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Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho