When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
You Might Also Like
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Raisins are grape jerky.