@JermHimselfish: When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
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@SoVeryBritish: Leaving restaurant: "That was lovely" Outside: "Well, it was okay" In car: "I mean, it wasn't great" Back home: "We won't go there again"
@TheSharona06: Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit? Me: Sure. But I guarantee you'll win. I'm not that smart. Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
@ElgatoEsmio: [sketchy parking lot] stranger: hey man, can you jump my car? me: maybe if i get a running start
@iamburtjarvis: what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human? thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.