When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
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My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.