When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
You Might Also Like
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Welcome
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.