@pizzajaynow: When a Jehovah Witness dies, Heaven turns off all the lights and pretends no one is home.
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@1Bad_Scientist: *at Thanksgiving dinner* Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole. Everyone: *gasp* Me: Just kidding you all are.
@TheTweetOfGod: If a man strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown yourself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
@KeithAshers: Hi, I'm here to see the doctor. -me Witch doctor? -reception Nooo...I think he's Jewish. -me [blank stare] Please sit down.
@Jeffwni: [Ancient Egypt job centre] - Name? "Ankhesenamun" - How do you spell that? "Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest"