@pizzajaynow: When a Jehovah Witness dies, Heaven turns off all the lights and pretends no one is home.
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@LindaInDisguise: Him: Productive conference call? Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
@shariv67: Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.