@pizzajaynow: When a Jehovah Witness dies, Heaven turns off all the lights and pretends no one is home.
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@sixfootcandy: [at the airport] Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma'am? Me: Sure. What can I get you?
@the_moonface: I touch myself when I think of you. It's not what you're thinking, I'm mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you.
@MamaFlores: 5yo slooowly walks by: "Hi, mom and dad." 4yo slooowly walks by: "Hi, mom and dad." CODE RED CODE RED
@iamchrisscott: A good comeback when someone doesn't believe you're a time traveler is "Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral."