When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
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[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Digital security in Ancient Troy
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.