When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
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Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.