When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
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Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
This is always good for a laugh.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise