Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
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My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
😅😅😅
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.