When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
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Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person