When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
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… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
#dalle2
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.