When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Friday night party time 🥳
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
The booster protects against what, now?
me doing my best
finally
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹