When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
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[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
philosophical skeletons be like
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball