When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.