When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
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If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Anyone want a chair?
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Breakfast for Stoners:
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one