When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
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Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
“What?”
– Jude
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”